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I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
That weird moment when u just say "what`s up " to someone and they thing you`re a shrink.
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.