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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.