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I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
SPOILER ALERT for "Finding Bigfoot" TV show - they don`t find him. Again.
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
Actually according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution…
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I`d rather shit in my hands and clap !"