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Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.
What do you call a black woman with braces?... A Black and Decker P@cker Wrecker!
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
I don`t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
I didn`t know until this week that so many people I know are politicians...
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks