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Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you`re on a cruise!
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.