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Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
Pretty nice opinion you got there. It`d be a shame if someone were to...not give a sh*t about it
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
Don`t feel bad, alot of people don`t have talent either
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
Being normal is boring.
If you see me smiling in public it means Iām laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.