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I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
Sometimes it`s easy to forget we would all violently murder each other if we couldn`t obtain basic food or water. Have a great day guys.
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
u cant spell awesome without me
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
Isn’t it funny how people that talk too much also have annoying voices?
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."