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The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
The older I get the more I understand Squidward`s anger.
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
I`m a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
Picking your nose doesn`t make you a bad person. .... but what you do with the booger will define you.
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
Sometimes I think hip hop music gets a bad rap.