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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to simply ignore you.
I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.