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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
People reckon I´m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they´re stupid).
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
A wise man once told me `Never sleep with your a$$ itching.. You`ll wake up with smelly fingers`
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
If it doesn’t involve food or sleep, I’m probably not interested.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...