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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You have no idea how funny I am to me.