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This beer tastes like future mistakes.
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.