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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
I may be stupid but im also dumb! :D
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.