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Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing
The difference between me & normal people is the normal
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.