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If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.
Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”