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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
Why don`t we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?
Whenever I hear the phrase `anything is possible`, I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door :)
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day ... Palm Sunday is just around the corner
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
The best way to a woman`s heart is by saying three words - You lost weight.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.