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I don`t have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn`t apply itself
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
If nobody hates you, you are doing something boring.
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.