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You cant ask "What do you mean by that?" without sounding pissed off
Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
I’m what you would call “indoorsy”
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
Prostitution must be a hole sale business.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors