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Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
There really isn`t much difference between being a kid and being an adult. I was just as emotionally crippled upon learning the truth about Penthouse Letters as I was about Santa Claus.
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway