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I love the show Gotham....OBSESSED!!! But they constantly have the Twitter hashtag #gotham in the corner of the screen, and I`m always thinking..."No I don`t have ham! But I want ham." Sometimes I miss parts of the showing thinking about the fact that I don`t have ham..... Obviously I need to have ham on the menu every Monday night. #noidontgotham
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
I just saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth ... She was down to the final four.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
Use a mirror and you will find, PI.E = 3.14
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
NASA has confirmed that December 21, late afternoon, the sky will be very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".
I think I may be getting harder to love.
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.