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I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
I was an adult once. Then I opened a Facebook account.
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don`t want breakfast.
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
Just hired two Private Investigators to follow each other. I`ll keep you posted......