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My driver`s side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I`m probably gonna starve to death..
Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
Stand for what you believe in. Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts. It`s a free country really.
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
I`m one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I’m going to pay with.