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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
I wish my mind had a delete button.
They say a woman’s work is never done. Maybe that’s why they get paid less.
Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
New research reported that men enjoy snuggling. A second study showed that men will say anything to get a researcher into bed.
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
I don`t like people who hate certain group of people. But I get along very well with people who hate everybody equally.
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”