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If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
If it rains on a dream catcher, does that make it a wet dream catcher?
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
Do Hostess employees have Snowball fights?
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.