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Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
Music is best when it’s louder than I can think.
if its got tits you will get nothing but trouble !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
So I was thinking... since the kids get the Easter bunny, why shouldn`t I expect a visit from a Playboy bunny today?
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?