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Worry: a waste of imagination.
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe`s poker table you`re too mature for me.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.