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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Of course it`s you. If it was me I wouldn`t even bring it up.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
I’m a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
I work so hard for my gta V character to have a better life
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.