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You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
If you don`t boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
The only thing I hate worse than holding a girl`s purse is when it doesn`t match what I`m wearing.
Okay, If we get caught here’s the story…
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
Did you hear about the homeless guy that tried selling me meth?.... Yeah it was Bumcrack.
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.