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Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don`t care about being healthy and smelling clean."
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.
Home is where the alcohol is.