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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
My fantasy is having two women at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.
The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
I sure do feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.