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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
I want to grow my own food but no one makes pizza seeds.
Don`t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
The bottle of Pepto Bismol say’s 4 out of every 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken`s booty and think..."I`m gonna eat that!"
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.