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If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
I could do so much more if I only had minions.
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
Always believe a woman when she says: “You don`t want to know!”
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
Keep honking. I´m reloading.
My room isn`t messy. I just prefer to have my favorite items on display.
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.