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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
Old enough to know better, young enough to take a dare...
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
if truth is what u want...in return alcohol is all I want...
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."