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I started to question my sanity this morning, It told me to "Shut up and chew through the straps....). I was free by noon......Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
I`ve learned more from one season of "Shark tank", than I ever learned in four years of buisness school.
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
What do women say when they are actually fine?
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
The wifes exhausted as she`s had some hot steamy action lately, But at least the ironing basket is empty