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The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I`m not really interested
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
Money isn´t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"
How`d this get posted?
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!