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I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
Never do I feel as lazy and rude as when someone else in the room is vacuuming.
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman