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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......