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I like the part of the day when food happens.
Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.
Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
I think that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
My favorite breed of dog? Good question, thanks for asking. Either a corndog or a hotdog.
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?