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Some of you are so dumb, I don`t even know how you found the internet.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
If anyone knows Phillip tell him I have a bunch of his screwdrivers.
Hello... Modeling Agency? Ya, my selfie just got 34 likes I think I`m ready to go pro!
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome