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I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
I forgot to post this earlier
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.