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I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
Some days are just not meant to be productive.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, āI thought you were peeing?ā
"Everybody freeze!" -December
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
I wonder what it feels like to be wrong.
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
Trying to remain humble but Iām the most famous person in my living room right now.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.