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I love the show Gotham....OBSESSED!!! But they constantly have the Twitter hashtag #gotham in the corner of the screen, and I`m always thinking..."No I don`t have ham! But I want ham." Sometimes I miss parts of the showing thinking about the fact that I don`t have ham..... Obviously I need to have ham on the menu every Monday night. #noidontgotham
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
It`s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.