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At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30
If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
Such a satisfying feeling when “the one that got away” turns into “dodged that bullet”
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as the Kraft Singles?
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.