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Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
I just saw someone by themselves not looking at a phone. Hope they`re ok.
I`ll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?
A leaf blower, but for people.
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.