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Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
The one good thing about an egotist. They don`t talk about other people.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
when is humpty dumpty going to hatch?
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Rest area restrooms are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.