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I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
My participation in this meeting will be based solely on the snacks they provide.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
Looks like you have a lot on your mind. Do you wanna drink about it?
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you