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People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
Is glad Christmas is near i sure need new coloring books and crayons ..
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
The well behaved rarely make history.
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
If I had a dollar for every time I had a nickel.......
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you
My favorite part of The Notebook is when I turned it off and watched Terminator 3 instead.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"