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The older the Facebook post, the creepier your “like” becomes.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
Keep it up and I`ll make sure u end up on a milk carton.