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I took a sexual harassment course yesterday...I think I`m going to be pretty good at it.
If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
I’m glad we can’t smell each other through the internet.
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
If ANY of my posts have made even one person’s day better, then there’s something seriously wrong with that person
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn`t really Royalty.
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.