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If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
I mean if men are better at math why do they get the lenght wrong all the time.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
When I`m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
I`m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.
Me in a shopping mall: "I like that stuff" *looks at pricetag* "i don`t like it anymore"
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.