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My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be
I really like what you`ve done with your crazy.
Won’t go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for “spider life span” reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?