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I drink to make other people interesting
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
If you play any Taylor Swift song backwards you`ll hear messages from the devil, however even worse........... if you play it forwards, you`ll hear Taylor Swift
If I didn`t procrastinate, I probably wouldn`t do anything at all.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
is a mystery you´ll never solve
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.