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What a terrible day. I`m going to drive through puddles & splash pedestrians to make myself feel better,
My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
Smile. It makes people wonder what you´re up to.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
My number was 0...
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....