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I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
Everything is so much funnier when you`re not allowed to laugh.
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.
I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn`t shop.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.