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If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
HA! If you think I`M crazy you should meet ME!
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I thought about cleaning my room this weekend but didn`t do it. Then I remembered its the thought that counts so I feel better now
If you have fewer than 25 FB friends. Please unfriend me because thats just embarassing and I dont want to be on your "loser" list.
Some of my best memories are naps.
I don`t have a police record ... but I think I do have a Sting cd around here somewhere.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.