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Please excuse me for talking while you were interrupting.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
There’s a good reason I’m up this late: because I have to wake up really early.
I`ll be drinking tell I see Leprechauns tonight.
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
To all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.