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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
There’s no “I” in team and coincidentally none in "Go f*ck yourself" either.
I don`t care if its a scam! Just the fact that the Prince of Nigeria sends me personal email makes me feel special!
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
Friends would describe me as classy, sassy and a bit smart-assy.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
Do Hostess employees have Snowball fights?
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
I wonder if there`s a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem