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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
So, I guess we’re just supposed to assume the number is 1-800-Ghostbusters?
You can`t fix STUPID, but you can Numb it with a 2x4.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
Yesterday was international ninja day and I didn`t even know. Well played ninja day, well played.
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I don`t live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
Life is so hard when you have twenty TV shows to watch.
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.