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I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
I love everyone these days... Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others, I`d love to punch in the face...
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
I’m glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain.
I don’t care if it’s 1 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.
Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly