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A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
When I grow up I´d like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
I`m convinced girls only want one thing from guys... all of our hoodies. -Bfanch
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.