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I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can Breakdance?
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
Wow! it`s late.. I need to hit the sack........ Then go to bed.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?
Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they`re out of control.