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I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it`s probably just as well real lightsabers aren`t available yet.
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
Friends would describe me as classy, sassy and a bit smart-assy.
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house, but that fly is dead.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"