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If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
Do not drink and drive.. because there are people out there who text and drive... and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
Due to the rise in the economy, the position 69 will now be 96, due to the higher cost of eating out.
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.