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Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
Spent $50 on E-bay to enlarge my happy place. The creep sent me a magnifying glass.
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
Peeing in the sink is a great time saver: no lifting the seat, no flush, sink is right there to wash hands jk I don`t wash my hands.
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.
have you ever looked at someone and thought, "yeah you definitely have someone locked away in your basement."
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.