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I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they say "to boldly go where no one has gone before", when they get there, they always meet someone?
My favorite beer is an open one.
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
This ramen noodle and vienna sausage dinner taste exactly like I made the wrong career choice :(
Here`s an idea...Duck Dynasty Chia Pets
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.