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"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. At least for the pictures...
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
Some days, I practice positive thinking. Other days, I`m not positive I am thinking.
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
It’s a status….not your diary…
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.