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There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
I`m convinced girls only want one thing from guys... all of our hoodies. -Bfanch
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.