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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
Does eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face....damn kids and thier sharpies.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
I do 5 sit ups daily. It might not sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Don`t think I didn`t notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
Don`t get me wrong, Chinese food is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?