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I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
I`ve robbed banks before...and they`re never getting their pens back.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.