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Most problems can be solved with nudity
I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
Never take advice from me, you`ll only end up drunk......
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
Today`s Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bullsh*t.
My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we`ll try butt stuff........ * Please DON`T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary.....
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.