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I wanna see Mythbusters do the bible.
I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
The first rule of Women`s fight club is don`t tell anyone what you`re mad about or why you`re fighting.
If I don`t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
If I drank, I`d have a lot funnier status updates on Facebook than I do now. Well, at least I`d think they were funnier.
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
Tried to explain Twitter to my 80 year old Mother, pretty sure she is now insane.
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside