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Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
My teen thought it`d be funny to post as me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
Of course I plan to seize the day ... Eventually.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
I have nothing!