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3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
i wasnt tht drunk u was holding a ballon thinking it was a comdom
Asian gangs, also known as study groups...
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
I`m reaching the point where I really hope it`s not possible to be annoyed to death.
My memory foam has amnesia
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.