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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.
You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn`t that bad. It`s kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping......with a really angry bear nearby.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
They say money doesn`t bring you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....