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Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I`d turn the radio down.
I`ve found that the best web designers in the world are spiders.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you..
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one.
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.