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Do not treat a woman like an object. It hates that...
It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Can you imagine the reactions 25 years ago if you showed someone a photo album of pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
Is it just me, or that sea witch Ursula from the Little Mermaid inspired from a full blown flamboyant drag queen?
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?