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I’m not a marketing expert. But if I was selling milk, the cartons would be boob shaped.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It`s not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
Everyone picks their nose at some point, it`s what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"