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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
scratch here ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ to reveal my status
Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
facebook is the only book we read everyday.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.