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Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
I`m going to propose with a mood ring so I can easily see a measurement of how excited she really is.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.