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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
Call me an optimist, but I always viewed my cup as half full…of Vodka!!
Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms 2. Describing tumors 3. Playing golf
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
I was the only one that cared when Jimmy cracked corn.