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Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
It`s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
The dollar store needs to go ahead and open up a few gas stations.
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.