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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
Plumbers should keep busy this week now that No Shave November is over..
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
Your just jealous because u don`t hear the voices.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
When I started out, I was young and idealistic, I wanted a Career and to make a difference in the World, but it turned out that I only wanted Paychecks........
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.