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Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
I`m great in bed" ~ breakfast
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
Time to be an adult and give up my bath time rubber ducky. I´m upgrading to the tugboat!
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours