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You`re uglier than..... well, you`re the example.
Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm