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Ran out of post-it notes, now I don`t know how to remind myself to buy more.
Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
Hey ladies, I just love "Austrailian" kissing...it`s a lot like "French" kissing only Down Under!
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
My neighbors wifi isn`t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
"Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this."--MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.